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Saturday, November 29, 2014

The Day I Found the Way

A few months ago, I was in a frantic search through the realm of psychology. Just one of the many branches I grasped onto while falling off of the tree of knowledge. So desperate to understand where I went so horribly wrong in my own personality structure. The many stops along the way included love avoidance, sociopathy, and narcissism. I wasn't sure where I might fit but then again, I never have. The tree had been forgotten about and there I was, swirling in vast and intoxicating information. An all-night introverted party of research allowed me to stumble upon the Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator. I've taken this before. In fact, I remembered my results from years ago when I was on a similar quest. The past results were INFP and ENFP. When I read the profiles, they seemed like fairy tales describing characters in a book. Certainly nothing like me. At that time, I disregarded its validity. Should I take this test again? I do love assessments. Plus, that was ten years ago. Why not, I'll take the test, again. This time the results had changed to INTJ. What is an INTJ? I read the description and both time and I stopped. Needing more data, I took several versions of the indicator and the prevailing results were all the same. There was no way I could deny the truth, I am an INTJ.

The profile descriptions were intense. Not only did it describe me but it was like reading narratives of the coolest characters, ever. Dark, sarcastic, witty, mathematical, systematically driven, and many other elements that have distinguished me from others. I was never a feeler but the previous design of my life was stressful and the undeveloped, anxious, introverted feeler function was present and damn near pushing me over the edge. Since then, I have become an educator of mathematics and knowledgeable in the area of computer science. My emotions are deep, calm, and controlled. Intuition is my primary process and it is embraced. It's okay that I can't remember names or faces. I see patterns and can recall multitudes of formulas that have abstract uses on the present to allow me to see into the future. Surprises suck and I like staying at home. I love games and strategy. I'm not girly but I'm sexy and brilliant. Intelligent conversation is energizing. My death stare has always been noticed and it has an effect that trumps physical assault. At times I'm cold and calculating and my mind is a realm of the structures I have built to connect the ideas that eventually connect me-because I do fit. This is my world and it is rare. People want in but I am selective because if they are not a part of the pattern then it creates a problem.